Synopsis
What happens when you are forced to survey the ashes of a life lost? When you ask yourself: what the hell has gone wrong? Carolyn Hobdey had a successful career, the sports cars, the big house, the holidays, the friends… but it meant nothing. To be genuinely happy, she faced the stark realisation that she needed to completely reset her identity. After years of being told that being ‘selfish’ was wrong, enduring co-dependent relationships with narcissistic partners and toxic work colleagues, often being cruel to herself in her words, thoughts and behaviours, Carolyn learnt there was a need for Redefining SELFISH.
She’s done the work and can now guide you through the process if you recognise yourself in any of the following statements:
• I feel guilty if I put myself first.
• There are numerous demands for my time and attention.
• I consider being selfish to be a bad thing.
• I have an endless ‘to do’ list & never reach the bottom of it (where I am).
• I’ve previously been called ‘selfish’ for asserting my needs (or I’m led to believe I am for doing so).
• I feel weary, burnt out, resentful and/or undervalued.
• I struggle to prioritise my wellbeing.
• I want practical ways to get started with better looking after my needs.
Redefining SELFISH comes at an urgent time when women are reporting worsening levels of anxiety and growing mental health concerns, and are increasingly initiating divorce. Calls to domestic violence helplines are on the rise and, of course, the pandemic has had a massive impact.
The S.E.L.F.I.S.H model created by Carolyn Hobdey guides the reader through how to give up feeling guilty about taking some time out, instead placing ourselves at the top of our ‘to do’ list and acknowledging the benefits to us and those around us of making ourselves ‘better’. Its purpose—and that of the whole Redefining SELFISH concept—is to encourage self-kindness, develop confidence and shift mindsets from harmful to helpful.
My Review
This was an interesting read. Women in many societies are taught to keep quiet, stay in the shadows, and not poke their noses into things. To put others before themselves. That’s all good and well, and not feasible at all. What’s the first rule of a flight in distress? Put your own oxygen mask on first. That is a good lesson for any area of one’s life. You cannot help others if you don’t tend to yourself first.
So this book was about women learning to be selfish. To take charge of one’s life and stop keeping quiet. I don’t think this necessarily applies to just women, but any repressed, or disenfranchised, segment of the population. There are lessons about boundary-setting, about winnowing out the toxic people and places (and behaviours) in your life, and how appearance can generate confidence.
Much was broad-stroke lessons. I do wish there had been more in the way of concrete, practical guidance. Don’t get me wrong! There are certainly accessible tasks and tips in each chapter. Just not as much as I personally would like. The book is designed so that you do not need to read all the way through, but can skip to the chapters that are most beneficial for you at the moment. The ‘sexy’ chapter, however, did rub me wrong. The notions of feminism here didn’t resonate with me at all.
Overall, recommended as a valuable introduction to learning to tend to yourself first, not last.
*******Many thanks to Netgalley and Ink! for providing an egalley in exchange for a fair and honest review.
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